Margaret had extensive therapy for twenty years because she completed the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Now, in the mid-forties, she no longer fulfills the criteria, but still has several symptoms. From time to time she still needs therapy. In her own words, she says that she cannot enjoy the good life that she now has: she is married to a wonderful person and has a decent career as an alternative medicine specialist.
Margaret says that it seems to her that she carries her family even in a new life. They still fill her mind and emotions every day, more than her marriage. In her family, she felt she never belonged. She was born at the end of her parent's marriage after miscarriage of a child who did not belong to her father.
Margaret says that this conflict wants to be loved, but it is rejected, and displaced people are tearing it up to this day.
During our last meeting, she was torn up to abandon her family altogether and live with pain, knowing that she does not like or maintain contact, and suffers the pain of permanent refusal.
Soraya is a beautiful young lady. She suffers from eating disorders, anxiety attacks and feelings of emptiness. Soraya says she never felt that she has a place in the family. She was five years old from a previous relationship when her mother married again. Her younger brother, the son of his stepfather, left with everything. On the contrary, she was always punished for everything that went wrong, and she had to do all things.
She practically stood up because her mother was too busy trying to save her marriage to notice when she reached puberty or when she had problems at school. Her stepfather was often offensive, but her mother seemed unable to protect her.
At our last meeting, we worked on how to deal with pathological guilt, anger and fear.
Both Margaret and Soraya are examples of displaced children.
Internally displaced persons are people who are forced to migrate from their homes due to some kind of threat, such as war, natural disasters or threats to health. This concept is also relevant in the family when the child is forced out of the comfort zone due to some threat. This bias often occurs on an emotional level, although it is also manifested in the practical life within the family.
A displaced child does not have a safe and confident physical and emotional position in the family, and therefore no rights. If there is not enough living space, the displaced child is the first to move, change or reduce. The financial and emotional needs of the child are resolved last, and in case of insufficiency, the problems with the displaced child are the first to be at risk.
A displaced child is often also a scapegoat for the failures and mistakes of others in the family and carries the burden of unpleasant duties and responsibilities.
How does a child get into this situation?
The patch family is becoming more common. When two people with previous applications get together, one or more children from previous applications may be displaced. Often, one parent seeks to maintain a new relationship so that they are willing to sacrifice their child from a previous relationship. They fear that a firm position for the rights of this child will compromise with new relationships.
For example, if there is not enough living space, a mother can allow her child to move, because getting behind a child can push a new person away. Or she can invest all her emotional resources in a new relationship and take care of the children of the man or of the children that they have together, that she no longer has anything to leave the displaced child.
And, of course, the child is to blame for everything that goes wrong, including duties that are not canceled. In the worst cases, the parent stands on the sidelines, and the partner punishes or abuses the child.
This is not only a mother whose child moves frequently: whoever is a weak partner in a relationship, runs the risk of ousting her child. The one who needs the relationship more is a weak partner. Sometimes this is a man who is desperately trying to hang on a woman.
A child can also be moved in a normal family. For example, a child born during a marital or family crisis may be emotionally moved. Often parents are so busy with a crisis that they do not have the emotions left by the newborns.
Similarly, a child born shortly after a miscarriage or abortion can be moved. Or a child born too early after the last child.
Displaced children suffer from feelings of dislike and reluctance, as well as feelings of depression and sometimes suicidal thoughts. Because they are scapegoats for everything, they often carry a heavy burden of guilt. They often have serious problems in their relationship with adults, because they believe that they are ungracious.
They are also not emotionally accustomed to a positive, calm and happy home environment, where there is no abuse, no threat and substance abuse. It can undergo therapy before they can learn to enjoy a new life and make sure they deserve it.
How can you prevent your child from being emotionally displaced within the family?
If you are starting a family of patches or relationships, make sure that your own child or children will have their own safe place as part of the agreement. They must have their own inviolable living space, as well as responsibilities that are no less, but no more than others. They should have the same inviolable access to family resources as money, time and property of the family, like others.
The child should be responsible for his actions and failures, but not for anyone else. And if the abuse comes from other members of the new family, the natural parent must intervene immediately. In contrast to the compromise of new relationships, this firmness can gain respect for both the parent and the child, as well as to protect the child. If it is not, it is not a relationship worth being in.
Parents in a normal family should receive help if they feel emotionally incapacitated to take care of a new child.
Children are a very valuable resource; a resource that will remain in your life for the rest of your life, while relationships can arise and go away. Do not allow your child to move without a fight.
