The most difficult part of my work with infidelity is not the fact, but what happened after I learned. It was hard for me to understand why Doug didn’t just stop a cold turkey, and it’s so hard for me to return those loving feelings for me. Now, knowing the dynamics of affairs and reading what Doug had to say about the chemical benefits gained from his hobbies, he allowed me to look at his situation differently, and now I understand what Doug received from his work.
Unlike being added to drugs or alcohol, where there is a 12-step program, along with medicines available to counteract withdrawal symptoms, there is no program that could help get rid of the temptations of the case. As far as this does not seem fair, I believe that Doug could have benefited from the support and guidance of his wonderful wife. At the time, I was not wonderful or supportive. And as for the leadership proposal, I worked on pure emotions, without catching logic.
Looking back, I now understand that there are many things that I should have done differently. Things that may have lured Doug from addiction, which made my recovery less painful. This advice really applies only to those of you who can still remain on the fence, hardly moving away from theirir partner. If your spouse denies, you are sure that the matter is over, and they are doing everything in their power to do everything right, then this advice may not be so helpful in your work with infidelity.
Error 1: My first mistake actually happened before this case. I was too naive, thinking that this kind will never happen to us. Over the years I have read a ton of books on various topics, but somewhere along this line I forgot to read about how to have a good marriage. And this is not a subject that they teach you in school. Perhaps I did not read this topic because I was afraid to find out the truth about the form in which our marriage really was. Maybe I was in denial, or I thought love would conquer all.
I want someone to leave on my desk many years ago the book by Pavel Blanchard “Why men read”. This book would open my eyes to what was happening in our marriage, and therefore saved me a lot of pain and suffering. Unfortunately, this did not happen, and I bought the book much later, when Doug had his business. Apparently, I still read it as a reminder of what I should do to make my husband happy.
Error 2: Overreacting when I initially saw the use of a Doug cell phone. Looking back, I had to try to stay calm, assess the situation and gather more evidence when working on a logical plan on how to act. Instead, I was constantly looking at his phone. I pulled Doug out of bed and asked him questions. I acted on pure emotions, and I really did not hear or understand much of what he said. All I remember are statements like “We are just friends” and “I care about you, you are the mother of my children, but I don’t love you anymore.”
Error 3 : Turns on a penny. That is, acting like an ideal wife and doing everything I thought Doug wanted me to do. This confirmed to Doug that everything was my mistake. If I thought that I needed to change this much more than he was right, feeling like a bad wife and that he was the perfect husband. It also made him suspicious of my changes and add to his existing discontent. Do not misunderstand me. I needed to make personal changes, and these changes benefited me, as well as our marriage. But as for our relationship, we would have to mutually examine our problems, taking equal responsibility for the problems in our relations and discuss ways to improve our marriage.
Error 4 : Believe everything he said came straight from his heart. I read somewhere that when a spouse participates in an affair, you should not believe what you see or hear. When we held the evening discussions, I believed that he personally studied his feelings and came to conclusions. Doug is a very smart person, but thinking and expressing his feelings is not one of his best attributes. I wish I understood that he gets help with all his ideas. Tanya has been there for the past nine months, arguing, discussing and manipulating her thoughts about her unsatisfactory marriage. When I heard something from his mouth, such as “In the feeling of love ...” “I deserved it ...” “The child is steady child ...”, “Of course, I was accepted that he really didn’t believe what he said.
Error 5: Being uneducated in the fact that I am really against, and that it is not only in love. Now I know that the novel is based on a hobby that produces the same effects as a powerful drug. Combine this with the comparisons that occur, and the constant confirmation from the case partner, and he cannot become dependent.
Understanding what is being compared between a spouse and business partner, helps a faithful spouse to understand what is really happening during the business. This is indeed an unfair comparison. They compare someone who is new and different from those whom they have known for years. They compare relationships that are free from responsibility to those who were under stress and based on real events.
In addition, during the case the fraudulent spouse receives constant confirmation from a partner theirir. They hear how great they are and that they are not at fault in the state of their marriage. They have someone who agrees with their thoughts and thinks they are beautiful.
Error 6: To be personally involved in the illusions of this business. I move when I think about everything I said to Doug. I would tell him that she must be the perfect women for him and that he deserves to be with her. I told him again and again that he should leave me and be with her and that I would take care of our family. I told him that she was his relative, and I was not a very good wife. Everything I did helped fix these thoughts in his mind, whether they were real or not.
Error 7 : Acting like a woman who was one step away from a funny farm. I acted tenacious, neurotic, jealous, insecure and incredulous. Compared to Tanya, I must have looked like a bag of nuts, and I need the last person Doug wanted to be around. Within a few minutes I would turn from a loving wife into an angry and violent person, and then into someone who would fall on the floor in the fetal position, crying inexorably. He did not know what kind of woman would appear, and this frightened him and royally angered him. It is not surprising that he continued to run away to her. Her small bouts of jealousy and insecurity were nothing compared to the psycho with whom he was married.
For Tanya, I was the perfect devoted spouse. Every morning she woke up and wondered what I would do to ruin my relationship with Doug and make her look better. It was not so difficult. I was a frightened, impotent wife who knew no other way to save my marriage. I was dealing with infidelity in the only way I knew.
Error 8: Trying to control him and tell him how he should feel. Throwing on me my moral convictions, showing him books, bookmarking websites and telling him that he was wrong. Dag hates being controlled, and this wave also has an opportunity for Tanya to discuss their feelings and their relationships. It opened up opportunities to discuss that their love was real and focused on them, not on me and Dag.
Now that it's over, and I know that everything will be fine, easier said, just let them go and trust, they will make the right decision. I know that you cannot force someone to do what they are not ready to do.
Error 9: Do not be yourself. I tried so hard to be the same as she, or at least the woman with whom I thought he wanted me to be. If only I knew that the woman he longed for was a man whom he fell in love 30 years ago. He missed the man I used to be up to three children, full-time, mortgage and laundry. The man who thought that Doug was the most important man in my life, who laughed at his jokes and wanted to spend time with him. This person would be much easier to become. In the end, I know how to be this person. I missed that man too, just like Doug.
Obviously, each situation is different from infidelity, but if your fraudster cannot solve, still sees his business partner, or simply does not want to return to you completely, then you may want to look at your actions to make sure that you do not made some of the same mistakes as me.
